Jokes for all
Feel free to browse the collection of tall tales, yarns and downright lies. They are all family safe - the test I apply is "would I tell this to someone's grandmother?" If no, I don't use it. (That doesn't mean i don't appreciate a dirty joke, but I don't think they're appropriate for broadcast on the radio - you never know who is listening or how old they are or what their attitudes to dirty jokes amounts to. )
Military
- Nelson:
- "Order the signal, Hardy."
- Hardy:
- "Aye, aye sir."
- Nelson:
- "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
- Hardy:
- "Sorry sir?"
- Nelson (reading aloud):
- "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
- Hardy:
- "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
- Nelson:
- "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
- Hardy:
- "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
- Nelson:
- "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
- Hardy:
- "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
- Nelson:
- "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."
- Hardy:
- "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
- Nelson:
- "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
- Hardy:
- "That won't be possible, sir."
- Nelson:
- "What?"
- Hardy:
- "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
- Nelson:
- "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
- Hardy:
- "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
- Nelson:
- "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
- Hardy:
- "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
- Nelson:
- "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
- Hardy:
- "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
- Nelson:
- "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
- Hardy:
- "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
- Nelson:
- "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
- Hardy:
- "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
- Nelson:
- "What? This is mutiny!"
- Hardy:
- "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
- Nelson:
- "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
- Hardy:
- "Actually, sir, we're not."
- Nelson:
- "We're not?"
- Hardy:
- "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
- Nelson:
- "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
- Hardy:
- "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
- Nelson:
- "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
- Hardy:
- "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
- Nelson:
- "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
- Hardy:
- "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
- Nelson:
- "What about sodomy?"
- Hardy:
- "I believe that is now legal, sir."
- Nelson:
- "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
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