Jokes for all
Feel free to browse the collection of tall tales, yarns and downright lies. They are all family safe - the test I apply is "would I tell this to someone's grandmother?" If no, I don't use it. (That doesn't mean i don't appreciate a dirty joke, but I don't think they're appropriate for broadcast on the radio - you never know who is listening or how old they are or what their attitudes to dirty jokes amounts to. )
The mammogram power cut
I kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side, and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine", I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged beween those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?", I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes, I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care", Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....
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